Five Stages

Five Stages. There are five stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ending with acceptance. I have been going through those four stages for almost four years and now wondering when I will get to the last stage. 

I lost my mom on January 17, 2020. I found her lying on her bed as I was trying to wake her up. At first, I thought she was sleeping, but then I realized she wasn't breathing. So, I made a call that day. Now, you're probably thinking, “Oh, you probably called for an ambulance.” No, I was hurt and needed someone to tell me that this was some kind of sick joke, so I called family members. They told me, “Everything is going to be okay. Now call for an ambulance. We are on our way.” The ambulance got there. They tried many things to bring her back, but none of it worked. They brought her out of the house, covered. I screamed in pain, wondering what I did to deserve this and whether this was a nightmare. Alright, now, some may say it was dumb of me to call for family first instead of an ambulance, but as I think about it, that was my first stage of grief. I knew calling for an ambulance meant the next time I would be seeing her was when she was in her casket, and I was not ready for that. I wasn't prepared to see the woman in the casket that didn’t resemble my mom because they would have her wearing makeup, have her all dressed up, and just not being her true self. I was, in fact, right: my mom did not look like herself that day. She was paler than usual, wearing tons of makeup, with purple eyeshadow, very skinny, and then she was just lying in the casket like there was a frown on her face. So, what I was in denial of is what actually came true. 

Denial is the first stage of grief. I wanted to believe that my mom was sleeping and was having a nice dream. I guess you could kind of say she was. It's just that she went to sleep and never woke back up. Instead, she continued to dream and somehow ended up there with Jesus. Ah, now we're talking about Jesus. Oh yeah, I lost my faith in Jesus that night because I was so mad at the world and was wondering why Jesus needed her more than I did. Now just from hearing that, you can kind of hear a tone. That tone is anger.        

Anger is the second stage of grief. I was now mad at the world and had taken my anger out on anyone around me to the point where no one even wanted to speak to me. If someone did try to talk to me, I would just tell them, “I’m fine. Leave me alone.” I was not fine and needed someone to talk to and hug me. I wanted someone to be there for me without me telling them I needed them. With me being so hurt and angry, I started to think of things that could help me avoid her being gone. That right there is bargaining. 

Bargaining is the third step of grief. I was now in high school, so I thought doing sports and wanting to keep a 4.0 GPA would do me justice, and it would help me keep my mind off my mom's death. It helped for a while, but eventually, the stress got to me because I wanted to be so perfect, and I knew I was doing all these things she would be proud of. As I continued to do sports and keep a 4.0 GPA, it became my junior year. My junior year is when I decided to start focusing on my mental health more. Honestly, to me, that was a dumb idea, but you know that’s what most teenagers think because all we want to be is perfect. Focusing on my mental health only really made me realize that what the heck I am going through is depression right now. 

Depression is the fourth stage of grief, and almost everyone has gone through it. Most of the time, depression may look like you are in a bad mood, spending most of your time in your room, and isolating yourself from everyone. Now, that may start sounding like I am describing a teenager. Well, that is because most people start going through depression when they are teenagers. I was a teenager when I started going through depression. But I was never diagnosed with depression because that is not how I wanted people to view me. Every day, I would hide everything that I was going through with a smile on my face because no one ever really judges you when you have a smile on your face. I started to fake that smile every day until it became real, and I have accepted that I am officially okay. 

Acceptance is the last stage of grief. I am now seventeen, and I have now fully allowed God to guide me through life. I have gotten over my mom’s death and can somewhat live my life to the fullest. I live my life to the fullest by always having a smile on my face, wearing bright colors, and always being hyped up because I am now done with the five stages of grief. Or am I? Wait, who do you know that successfully went through the five stages and made it to the last stage? No one. Exactly what makes you think I am at that last stage? I'm not, and I will probably never be able to say “Yes, I have been through all five stages of grief.”