A Search for Friendship

Imagine waking one morning and you are instantly told that you need to pack a few of your most important items because you will be leaving your home for an unknown period and without any knowledge of where you are headed. You do not know if you will ever return or if you will ever see some of your family again. Would you not want a friend to console you and talk with you about this perilous journey in front of you? I sure would, but often refugees are not welcomed with open arms, such as in Daniel Nayeri’s case. In his memoir Everything Sad Is Untrue, Nayeri takes us through his journey as a refugee from his perspective as a young child. He shares countless stories and what he considers “patchwork memories” in hope of cultivating a relationship with his readers (Nayeri 37). Before I began reading with our four virtues of justice, patience, humility, and charity, I did not realize the substance of the theme of friendship and pain in Everything Sad Is Untrue. After reading Nayeri’s memoir with these virtues in mind, I agree with many viewpoints and was able to open my heart and empathize with Nayeri. This shift allowed the theme of friendship to come to fruition as he intended for his readers; however, this is not to be confused with a friendship motivated by pity. In my view, keeping the four virtues in mind, Nayeri’s invitation of friendship and expression of pain are present within many aspects of his memoir, which develop our understanding of him beyond just his title of refugee. 

Beginning with the lens of justice, I can gain a full understanding of Nayeri’s story by reserving any judgement or predetermined ideas. The aspect of justice was encouraged from the very beginning as Nayeri writes, “If you listen, I’ll tell you a story. We can know and be known to each other, and then we’re not enemies anymore” (1). In making this comment, Nayeri encourages us to listen to understand and not to respond. Doing this, the reader takes their first steps in discovering the true Daniel Nayeri by choosing to reserve any present judgements. Reading with justice further prompts us to set aside our predetermined ideas, otherwise known as stereotypes. Nayeri hints at a few stereotypes throughout his memoir that were held by some of his classmates, one of the biggest being that he was a liar. At first, I found it difficult to decipher what was truth because Nayeri tells his story from his perspective as a child and part of me wondered how credible some areas were. However, when I chose to read with justice, his story became deeply moving. This lens allowed me as a reader to “outstretch” a friendly hand to Nayeri, which signaled I was there to truly listen. Our first virtue, justice, was my initial step in building a relationship with Nayeri. 

Following justice, the second virtue of patience intertwines with Nayeri’s plea of being “known to each other.” Nayeri states, “I think a person gets seen, really looked at, looked into, seen the way a leopard would see into you, maybe ten times in their entire life” (116). In other words, he is making the argument that people often do not take the time to understand the person for who they truly are. This is a perfect example of patience that readers need to have as it correlates with Nayeri’s personal life. Due to past relationships, Nayeri struggles with vulnerability, and so it is important for him to establish a strong relationship with his readers from the start. He wants us to look beyond the poor refugee storyteller and “see into him” the way he describes the leopard looking into its prey. He wants a friend, a real friend who shows empathy and chooses to listen. Without patience, this type of relationship is nearly impossible because it takes a great deal of time to know someone. Not everyone will enact this virtue of patience, but after I chose to do so, my relationship with Nayeri sparked a friendship. 

Our third virtue of humility enabled me to show grace toward Nayeri, especially when it came to his countless cultural differences. Nayeri knew he was different as he says, 

I am ugly and I speak funny. I am poor. My clothes are used and my food smells bad. I pick my nose. I don’t know the jokes and stories you like, or the rules to the games. I don’t know what anybody wants from me. But like you, I was made carefully, by a God who loved what He saw. Like you, I want a friend. (16)

In making this comment, Nayeri understands that people will always see him differently, but he, like everyone else was created by the same loving God and more than anything wants a friend. As I read this, I could sense the pain and ridicule that he must have endured causing him to say such a powerful thing at such an early age. This statement is so simple, yet so moving, as Nayeri is speaking directly to us. More importantly, his expression of pain in being different further emphasizes his desire for a devoted friend. Nayeri is not seeking pity, instead empathy and grace, which humility inspired me to share as his listener. 

Finally, charity being our last virtue encouraged me to listen with a heart full of love and understanding. Nayeri shares this powerful statement, “To lose something you never had can be just as painful—because it is the hope of having it that you lose” (51). The essence of this statement is embedded in the delivery of it. Throughout his memoir, Nayeri drops heartfelt insights on the readers that invite us into his vulnerability, but only for a split second. I quickly got the impression that he has a lot of pain resonating inside of him, but he almost chooses to glance over it. This is where charity started to deepen my influence of Nayeri’s experience because it encouraged me to consider what it would feel like as a refugee to lose hope. Sometimes hope is all you can cling to and once it is lost, it can be devastating in many ways I cannot fathom. Nayeri moves on so intentionally after this statement because he is not ready to disclose everything, but he wants listeners to pause and consider the power of his suffering. Through charity, my eyes were opened regarding Nayeri’s pain, and this enabled me to listen to his story with love instead of malice or hate.

Of course, many will probably disagree on the grounds that Nayeri took advantage of his readers by sharing his journey from his perspective as a child. This enables more people to show pity, which in turn might result in lenience regarding their situation as refugees, leading many to view the situation as unfair. However, I still insist that Nayeri had no intention of taking advantage of his readers, but instead only seeking purposeful relationships. He expresses from the very beginning that he will not waste our time with a sob story because he does not want our pity (16). Instead, Nayeri requests something much more important to him, his larger goal of this memoir:

If we can just rise to the challenge of communication—here in the parlor of your mind—we can maybe reach across time and space and every ordinary thing to see so deep into the heart of each other that you might agree that I am like you. (16).

This is not a statement made by someone who is searching for a pity party. Throughout Everything Sad Is Untrue, the theme of friendship is prevalent as Nayeri is searching for someone to confide in. By the end, he has evolved so much as the narrator and if the reader has chosen to enact our four virtues, they too will evolve alongside Nayeri. 

When I used our four virtues as I read Daniel Nayeri’s memoir, I extracted two significant themes: that of internal pain and friendship. This is significant because reading with these lenses allowed me to connect with Nayeri on a deeper level, rather than just author to reader. Before reading his memoir, I had not considered becoming a friend to him but by the end that relationship was present. Nayeri’s story opened my eyes to the world refugees live in and the constant suffering they endure from governments, citizens, and fellow neighbors. This helped reinforce what I have been taught throughout my life as a Christian and that is to be kind, always. We cannot truly know someone through preconceived judgements or stories from others, but we can become the best listeners when we listen to understand and not to respond. All this requires a little love and attention, and this can impact someone in a huge way. Back to my opening thought, if I were placed in Nayeri’s position, I know that I would want a real friend to have in my corner. I may not fully understand what Nayeri and his family experienced because I have never been in their position, but I will strive to always choose kindness because it could change one’s life in such a positive way. 

Work Cited 

Nayeri, Daniel. Everything Sad Is Untrue: A True Story. Levine Querido, 2020.